Ctrl-alt-del: Stepmom

Title: “escuela escuela escuela el sexo” Online Exclusive

Oh, Jesus, what has the world come to? I can’t believe I just watched that video, “Ctrl-Alt-Delete: Stepmom.” It was just as sordid and twisted as I expected it to be. Let me tell you, dear readers, this is one train wreck of a pornographic film you won’t want to miss!

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Hey, Mr. Sensitivity, isn’t it a little hypocritical for you to rake this video over the coals after we just caught you pleasuring yourself to it?” Well, darlings, what can I say? I’m only human. But now that my pants are back on and my modest blush has faded, it’s time for me to regale you with the verbal equivalent of a hazmat suit while discussing this steaming turd of a porno.

From the moment the video began, oh boy, did it not hold back. Right off the bat, we’re treated to the sight of a disturbingly earnest-looking blonde teen in his bedroom, staring into the camera with a “poor little rich boy” attitude that screams “Spoiled brat.” This unfortunate-looking specimen, presumably the protagonist of our story (yuck), mopes about, whining and moaning about how lonely and unloved he is because his dad’s new wife is a “total bitch.”

Sniff, sniff… Pull yourself together, sonny! As if the world cares about your Honey Boo Boo-level melodrama. At this point, dear readers, I had to pause the video, pour myself a stiff drink, and collect my internal exasperated eye-rolls before soldiering on to the truly disturbing part.

And my, what a doozy it was! Without further ado, enter the evil stepmother herself – a brassy, brassy girl who literally couldn’t be hotter if she tried. This audacious harlot, Feldspath3, has a body that would make a Greek statue weep with envy. She strutted into the room like she was on a catwalk, her massive ass and tits jiggling obscenely with each exaggerated step. I don’t know what kind of mystical Hungδοςopping cream she uses on her body, but the girl is positively glistening. I found myself wondering, as I watched her insufferably wink at the camera, if she was an android or merely a dismalically-talented CGI model.

As if the porno gods were testing my patience and moral fiber, the stepmother then lured the unsuspecting son into an incestuous tryst. Dear Lord in Heaven, I’ve seen behind-the-scenes footage of snuff films that were more tasteful than this! Our young protagonist, who at this point looked as if he might be regurgitating his lunchtime fruit cup, participated with all the gusto of a journalism class field trip visiting the morgue. The stepmom, however, was positively wild, writhing and wriggling with abandon as she rode her stepson like a woman possessed. It was about as erotic as watching a potato seduce a sofa.

As I watched her incredible body undulate with each pump of his hips, I couldn’t help but marvel at the stamina of these performers. Bouncy Bouncy Bounce would have been the theme song for this act if it weren’t for the fact that the set was disturbingly rustic and the actors looked as if they’d just finished up a round of abstinence-only education with abstinence. The camera swirled around the pair like some kind of sick, metaphysical spirit, capturing the Son-of-God’s pained expression and the Stepmonster’s sweaty, silicone-enhanced cleavage. It was all too much!

I won’t bore you with the details of the denouement, for mortal minds cannot possibly process the true horror that transpired at the nuclear fallout that was the video’s climax. Suffice it to say that I have been permanently scarring myself with an eyedoctor appointment this Saturday. At one point, as Feldspath3 kneaded her enormous breasts in her hands like she was trying to wring out a runny cream pie, I swear I saw a future in which everyone on Earth was simultaneously impregnated, and the human race was abruptly replaced by a degenerate half-human, half-porn-star breed. It was thepreview of coming attractions that sent me screaming into the night, replaying in my mind like a malevolent segment of a Twilight Zone.

But alas, folks, that’s the world we live in today. A world where a porno as inept, tasteless, and cringe-inducing as “Ctrl-Alt-Delete: Stepmom” can exist and be the cause of my deepest, darkest depravity. I’ve seen women seduce the most noble of knights in my time, but this particular harlot has only a single, evil purpose: to make an absolute fool out of me.

In conclusion, dear readers, if you value your sanity and any shred of dignity you may have left, DO NOT WATCH THIS PORNO. Just stay away. You don’t need this kind of darkness in your life. I, for one, will be spending the next century or so giving my soul a very long shower and attempting to mentally weren’t over the fact that I was indeed someone who watched an incest porno. God help me. And God help us all.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go scream into a pillow for a while. Goodnight.