Game of Bones 2: Winter Came Everywhere
Title: Game of Bones 2: Winter Came Everywhere – A Lewd Review
Hello, fellow debauchery enthusiasts! Today, we’re diving into the frostbitten, bodice-ripping world of “Game of Bones 2: Winter Came Everywhere”, a homage to HBO’s smash hit “Game of Thrones” that’s as suspiciously raunchy as it is inaccurate. Strap in, because this is one wild ride!
The film kicks off with “Daenerys Stormborn”, a young Dany-doll, prancing about her sumptuous throne room clad in little more than a see-through nightie. Her “hand”, Davos, barges in, but not before she has a chance to toss her mahoosive dragon eggs at the camera. Mama’s got a risky hatching plan, it seems!
Meanwhile, in the North, “Sansa” is shacked up with “Jamie” Lannister, who’s loitering around with his pants round his ankles like it’s nobody’s business. Poor Sansa, she’s got more dicks dangling in her face than Casterly Rock has royal guard. But Jamie’s here to tell Sansa the worst news of her life: that it’s time for a royal jousting tournament, and she’s the Main Fucking Event. Cue existential crisis.
On the road, a scrappy band of “Feast” enthusiasts stumble upon a naked Margaery in a state of undress. “Who are these naked wenches?” cries Loras, beating his chastity cage. Margaery, it turns out, has been snogging her way through a city of men who’d rather do that than pay taxes. Margaery may be a slut, but she’s not stupid.
Up in Winterfell’s libraries, “Bran” the loon boy, is stabbing his fingers into anything he can reach. Luckily, he’s got an old witch to come and mop up his messes. But she’s got her own wicked lusts to contend with, and soon the two of them are humping like bunnies on a branch.
Back at court, the joust is well underway. “Rhaegar” is first to take the field, riding his bearded dragon into battle. But he’s no match for Dany’s “Lamar Tyrell”, who flips him off like a wiseass groomsman. Daenerys, you slut, can’t you see he’s storyline incest?!
Speaking of sluts, “Arya” and “Sam” are out getting an extreme pedi when Sam decides to “awoo no mi” things up. Soon, they’re rutting against a tree like a pair of horny squirrels. Watch closely, kiddos, this is how a true Westeros widow gets her groove back!
The hither and yon of this plot continue apace as Sansa sexes up half the castle, much to the consternation of scheming witch “Melisandre”. In her white-hot fury, Melisandre slinks off to seduce Jamie, Prêtracha Kaboom style. But when Jamie lays hands on her feverish body, it all goes south real fast. More like “Dark Witch deranged”, amirte?
As the hype meter rises, we arrives at the big sexy bout everyone’s been waiting for: Dany’s Daenerys-fingered-hands match. She’s dismounted Lamar so quick he doesn’t have time to say koblat zubrat, and it’s on! Theleckis and Tyrion make eyes at each other, Arya juggles her eyebrows, and a thrice-widowed Littlefinger yanks his pud while eating grapes.
Just when things can’t get more bonkers, the dragon eggs crack open, and out pop rotund reptiles ready to mate! The sight so takes the court’s fancy that it becomes one big monster f**k-tion. No one tells these wenches to keep hands off the Oedipal roast boar, no no! It’s grab ass and fondle all around!
Okay, breathe. So uh, it’s the end now. The credits are rolling. Wait, what’s this extra scene? Dany and her goldmain wolf are spooning? Get outta here. That joke was ice cold.
And we’re done. Frankly, it’s hard to know where to start with this one. “Game of Bones 2” is a puppy pile of slash and flashes, a rogering roundelay the likes of which the Seven Kingdoms has never seen. It’s not so much a porn parody as a porn moshpit. The makers of Game of Bones clearly see Daenerys not as an Ironborn libfem icon, but as a warm hole in waiting.
“Game of Bones 2” is a big fat fumble’s arrow to GoT fandom’s collective bollocks. The acting is about as intentional as George R.R. Martin’s writing, which is to say “these are not house names, Bethe.” Wigs are tossed, scenes slouched through, and then everyone goes home. But hey, if rotten writing is your kind of thing, this loutish sex-com is your dragon den.
And that’s a wrap, freaks! Stay horny and merry!
