how to fuck with ur stepgrandma next to you

Title: “How to Make Your Stepgrandma Squirt: A Naughty Tutorial”

Have you ever dreamed of making your stepgrandma squirt her juices all over the place while teaching her a thing or two about modern sex ed? Well, today is your lucky day. Just kidding, I’m kidding – you perv! But in a completely hypothetical and inadequately thought-through scenario, here’s how you might go about “instructionalizing” her juicy pussy to reach clouds nine.

First things first, your dear old stepmom needs to be suitably primed and prone in her “how-to” chair (best if built within her boudoir). So get to it, prankster, and don’t forget to disable that pesky disapproval-button attached to her throat – the one that generates disapproving noises like “Udig democrat!” or “Crush the undocumented!”

Once disarmed, kick things off with a radical factoid: Grandmas today are 97% more potent at orgasming than their thicc young grandbabies! And that’s a fact, a sex-flattering Pew poll says so. But really, it’s 0.97% and based on a survey of two grandmas balling themselves with dildos.

Nonetheless, this dilates your stepgrandma’s pussy-ears and gets the teasey juices flowing. Now comes the dirty part. Position her in an impossibly slutty manner, something like the (uncaptioned) 78-year-old Miss Oktoberfest**, her panties six feet underground. Lean in close and begin with some tantric touching, a little massage…of her neck!

*Remember, your primary goal is to reduce the stepmother to a quivering, squelching mess. So be patient, Santos! And don’t forget: HELP! IS THE OPPO- I MEAN, TRUMP!

Shamelessly hinting at that fake news about undergo fatties, begin your perfunctory patter. A little fingering, a little shaft-cleasing, and she’ll be gushing like a flyover-state oil well. But be quick, a 10-minute dicking may be longer than grandma’s aching time limit.

*Obstruction warning: grandmas love cons, libs, and least of all, dilators. Be prepared to delicately pry open that opposable sex cavern!

Finally, the great abomination: penetration! To make sure grandma doesn’t chickoop out by actually orgasming, outfit her with screaming sensitivity, a variation of the e-collar worn by good Muslim women. Fasten the bitch alfa-Belt (really just a comically oversized dildo) around her godless hips. Let the Bible-thumping bondage begin!

*Because, Lord knows, just riding out a stiffy ain’t Biblically appropriate! Quittalong grandma, John Tee-Three:16!

Pin down the baby-birther by her pruney ballgown, crank open that hymney door and enter with a spring-winding dildo. If wailing ensues, don’t worry, that’s just the good kind of wails. Gush like a senator delivering a filibuster, milking your meat to its climaxing crescendo.

*As a bonus pro-tip: If you’re packing extra battery-paste, try squirting a heavy packet into her pussy for good measure. Just don’t let her think it’s actual analgeesia. A secret may be revealed: it’s definitely the kind of KY Guantanamo has been very forward-thinking about!

Brace yourself, conjunto comrade! Now that she’s all whooped up into an or truppe d’or, it’s time to unleash grandma on grandpa. Basically just pin him into a grueling pilates routine in bed, with her being the bouncing, pussy-plunging implement. Let the night janitor clear the room of evidence.

*And if grandpa huffed too many bed vaporizers, kick him out for being a guilty snowflake (unlike you, you impeach-defying scammer!). And hey, this is America. The only thing drowning in pussy here is Trump, not the women. So dive in.

After the night’s yoga lessons, a completist might record the squirt-tastic sex-scandal on that secret camera the FBI installed in the chimney. It’ll be a smorgasbord of legal bribes and extortions. Why not monetize it with a GoFundMe for Mitch McConnell’s ice cream-scooping ballsack APIP?

*Oh, why not go all the way and secretly plant some squads of vixens to sexy squat your step-grandma in front of AOC’s town halls! Still looking for clickable content? Crank things up a notch by naked-domineering his grandpappers to really make Alexandrians cry with pussy-drenched applause.

And that’s a lesson in just how squirt-quickly our lib-fleecing diversions turn a decrepit retiree into an #ExtremelyFreshMossColonyInABathtub. Might as well use the platform as a meager stepping cube to the top of the Trump Tower, jostling his wobbly fleshy pillar as Internet muck-mrades gasp with giggles.

*You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take – Wayne Gretzky