Pick Up Lines 10 (1996)

Title: “Pick Up Lines 10: A Shameful Seduction”

Ah, the 1990s. A decade of questionable fashion, even more questionable music, and some downright shameful attempts at seduction. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the sordid world of “Pick Up Lines 10” (1996). Buckle up, because we’re in for one hell of a bumpy ride.

The video opens with our charming Casanova, Don Lamond, sauntering into some nondescript office space. He’s clad in a sleeveless turtleneck and cargo pants—an outfit so heinous it should be illegal. Don takes a seat behind a desk that’s clearly just a random piece of furniture. There are no windows, no computer, no office supplies. Just Don, his stained molar, and a sea of fluorescent lighting.

Don leans back in his chair—legs sprawled wide, as if to say “Brrrring it on, ladies!”—and flashes a grin that can only be described as “car salesman horny.” He beckons to the camera with a curl of his finger. “Hey there, beautiful. Come on over. I’ve got just the thing for you.”

Enter Sharon, a bleach-blonde babe with a perm that rivals a Chia Pet. She wiggles her way into the frame, her micro-mini skirt riding up to reveal a girdle that’s seen better days. Don licks his chops like a predatory coyote eyeing a juicy steak.

“Sharon, right? I’ve been watching you,” Don purrs, his eyes roving over her generous bosom. “I bet you’re just dying for someone to talk to.”

Sharon giggles, a sound not unlike a hyena choking on a pinecone. “Oh Don, you old smoothie! I’m here just for you, honey.”

Don snaps his fingers. “Sharon, baby, I’ve got some special chocolates for a special lady like you.” He reaches under the desk and pulls out a box of old, moldy Smarties. “They’re Swiss. Very exclusive.”

Sharon’s eyes gleam with greedy anticipation. She snatches the ‘Swiss chocolates’ from Don’s hands, unwraps one, and pops it into her mouth. She chews, swallows, and promptly spits it out, gagging. “Bleeehhh! These taste like dogshit, Don!”

Don just winks at her. “Mmm, baby, that was just an appetizer. I’ve got the main course right here.” He reaches down and grabs his crotch, leering at her.

Cue Sharon falling to her knees and dramatically weeping. “Oh Don, you’ve broken my heart! I thought you were a real man, not some Campus C woodshed agent!”

Just then, the door bursts open. In walk two women in beekeeper outfits, complete with Gothic dominatrix hoods. They are “Sister Steam,” or as we like to call them, “The Beotransist Twins.”

Don immediately goes into grovel mode. “Oh, I’m sorry, Sister Steam! I know worshiping at the altar of woman should be your ministry! I’ll just be on my way—”

Evelyn, a twirling baton drill team of snark and scorn, smacks Don with a webbed glove. “Sit!” she commands. She turns to Sharon. “You line-bagging, baby wipes hag! Don’t you dare leave before you’ve given Brother Casanova the BJ2Pac he deserves!”

“What she said,” echoes Esmeralda, Evelyn’s identical twin. “And you’re not going anywhere either, Campouts C! We’ve got a special punishment for thee.”

And so, Dear Reader, our tale takes a VERY dark turn. If you thought the misogyny and homophobia were bad before, just wait until you see what the Beotransist Twins have in store for poor Don and Sharon. Savoring the yuck, I’ve decided to break down the video’s key moments of ‘ Jah’

Moments of “Jah”:

1. The Office:
Don’s ‘office’ is one of the most uninspired sets I’ve ever seen. It’s like they cloistered the crew in a storage locker with some cheap fluorescent lamps and called it a day. There’s no attempted realism, no attention to detail. It’s a sad, gray limbo between saltines and sadness.

2. The Pickup Line:
Don’s entire pickup routine is just painful. Not only do his lines make my teeth ache, but they’re also so crude, so misogynistic. “Hey there, beautiful… I bet you’re just dying for someone to talk to?” What a disgusting bit of pandering. It just makes me angry to watch.

3. The Chocolates:
I’ll never look at Smarties the same way again. Thanks for the PTSD, “Pick Up Lines 10!”

4. Sister Steam:
These two women in beekeeper outfits are one of the few bright sparks in this shitshow. They’re like lesbian bee nuns, doling out punishment with a heaping spoonful of honey. Their snappy repartee and sheer gall are a much-needed injection of ‘Jah’ into the proceedings.

5. The Ritual:
I don’t even want to get into it. Perversion, depravity, degradation, yadda yadda yadda. It’s like splicing a Catholic mass with the Kama Sutra, andreading Lamborghini manuals. Just a whole thing.

In conclusion, “Pick Up Lines 10” might be the most shameful video I’ve ever had the misfortune to watch. If “Pick Up Lines 1-9” are anything like this, I may actually have to go live in a culvert and subsist on crumbs. That’s how painful this is. Avoid at all costs, unless you’re a masochist with a crush on lampposts. Of all the things to waste a VHS on, I’ve chosen this dumpster fire. I’m a moron of the highest order.