Pornhub Cares Presents Nina Hartley’s Old School: A Guide to 65+ Safe Sex
Title: Nina Hartley’s Naughty Lessons: A GRANDPARENTS’ GUIDE to SENILE SAFETY
Sex legend andutorial diva Nina Hartley is back with a bang in Pornhub Cares’ latest masterclass. Titled “Nina Hartley’s Old School: A Guide to 65+ Safe Sex”, this SFW gem is more nutritious than a Viagra-fueled date with Betty White’s twin sister. So why not make like a horny grandpa and interrupt arthritis therapy for some educational fun?
First things first – if nipple shields and adult diapers are your idea of a sexy time, turn back now. Nina breaks down the birds, bees, and every creature in between with a detail that would make Keith Richards proud. And with those bountiful MILFy jugs straining against her teacher’s blouse, her highly-informative schtick just hit quite the hard sell.
Sure, considerate slow-downs and working in sensual touch are probably useful advice, but no one wants to hear about “recommended erection maintenance” from their first-grade teacher. That’s called child hood trauma, and Nana Hartley is here to set the record straight. Tissues and joint cream not included.
Now, dear senior, let’s address the dirty details. Chlamydia? Try Meta. Gonorrhea? Sound the alarm. Condom demonstrations are followed by safety compliances about cleaning cats. Nina, you salty sea dog, let’s focus on the good parts. Speaking of good parts, forget ‘iehenringing’ – in the’ golden years’, we’re more prone to sexy elbow and kneecap squeaking sounds in the boudoir.
As for the advanced topics, forget cocaine and Viagra. King tui ke and duck oil are the pentuple-A get-hard props of the 402B set. But this ain’t your mother’s (or your mother-in-law’s) antiques roadshow. Measures of personal fun ahoy, with fellatio and cunnilingus covering the bases. And if you didn’t understand any of that, Sapphic, titties are in the cards. Equal opportunity is what it’s all about.
As for positions, get your inomorph forward, it’s time to talk pruning. You’re 65, not Cirque de Soleil material. Spooning is retro and fierce. Missionary is missionary with a bit of light yoga. And scissors is out of the question, unless masturbation accessories are involved. This ain’t contortionism class, folks.
But Nina’s not all business, boss hog. Man sparklers and private time suggestions have her giggling like a giggly giggle-girl. Remember, you can’t spell “toe-tap good times” without OPT. It’s all about getting your snicker-snork out there. Try butt chugging some Elderflower cordial. It’s ninety proof, baby! And don’t forget the crib bling – gold teeth, chains, but not the shawl collection.
Let’s not forget the tit-bit tidings. “Extra Credit” topics include a kink star lesson on sugar daddies and the TEFL you can teach. Magic fingers and personal muffin tap-dear are revealed, as well making out cool with a boring roof. G-string safety tips are covered for the elder-slut set.
Remember, safe sex withwrite volts? Remember, safe sex strikes back with write volts? When in without, do as the welders do. Flip the Hudson to rain or poop. And if all else fails, pull out and tell her “Wes Anderson Sent Her Regards!” Sex is virtually over in 500 words.
In a world of #SafeCunnilingusPractices and #GrandmaSexTips, “Nina Hartley’s Old School” is the safer sex guide grandma didn’t know she needed. Because when you’re finally ready to find a dance partner for tango class, having a debt-free degree in debauchery doesn’t hurt. And after all, as the old crizzards say: “If she can’t bend over in half, you might be done for.” So grab a bingo card and a mint julep, because the Golden Girls are back and hornier than ever. Elderporn ain’t just an Oriental medicine anymore.
So there you have it, kids. Educated, safe, consensual fun for the granny-panty set, courtesy of Nina Hartley and Pornhub Cares. Because even if you need your teeth in at lunchtime, a roll in the hay ain’t just for the kiddos. So hoist the moonshine, ready the oxygen tanks, and remember: there’s no such thing as a “Quickie” for a speedy tattoo. Geriatric cooch’ing has a whole new meaning. And if the fire departments showing up for a spot of tea, you know you’re doing it right.
Next up on the Pornhub Cares sex ed front: “Pregnancy Scares Cast a Wide Net” and “Parasitic Twins: A Beginner’s Guide to Ouija Board Shagging.” Stay tuned, true believers.
