Russians outspace Elon Musk!
Title: “Russia Launches Virgin Space Quest: Ivan Musk Outspaces Elon!”
In a shocking turn of events that’s left the world gasping, Russia has unveiled their latest space engineering sensation – Ivan Musk, uncle of the billionaire SpaceX CEO Elon Musk. And while Elon is busy musing over colonizing Mars with his vehicles, Ivan has made a triumphant return from the red planet as a virile, detachable-headed spaceman, fresh from losing his innocence among the Martian moons.
With his astronomical IQ and jaw-dropping good looks, Ivan Musk has catapulted himself from obscurity to become the internet’s favorite red-hot toymaker. The video, “Rs:tuns Outsp**e Eli*n Musk!”, documents Ivan’s world-record-breaking spaceflight – and the debauched antics that followed. The footage begins with Ivan Musk rocketing away from Earth, part of his “Objective Moonbase” program to colonize the craterous rock.
Upon landing on the desolate lunar surface, Ivan swaggers across the cadre of Martian moons, his detachable robotic head popping off with a click to expose the fluffy pelt inside, only to be replaced by an artificial spoon-feeder for brewing lunar coffee.
But it’s what Ivan did next that sent shockwaves across the globe: he landed on Mars, alone. As the camera pans to the horizon, Ivan stands atop a rocky outcropping, his tune belting across the rust-red landscape: “Mars, it’s a bitch of a town. It’s all sewers and squatters. New frontiers, I’ve been there before…”
All the while, Russia cheered from back on Earth – for while Elon was fussing over high-tech rockets and glass-windowed interiors, Ivan boldly went where no prurient spawn of Elon had gone before. Upon landing, Ivan’s Martian expeditions took on a more, shall we say, personal touch.
A series of animated stills depict Ivan’s rover – which has evolved into a vaginal-shaped vehicle propelled by shapely robotic legs – traversing the barren desert before stopping poised atop a Martian rock.
There, Ivan sets up camp with his sexy, strawberry-shaped tent, his detachable head bayoneting atop a robotic base while his sinuous body slinks into the strawberry-pink confines.
And it would seem Ivan’s ‘ prose is in bloom. A series of rapid-fire snapshots uniformed robotic girls in bikinis echoing around his camp, their bodies topped with hostile laser weapons angled at ravenous swarming bugs.
In one final frame, Ivan – now equipped with a phallic robotic appendage – stands defiantly atop a Martian crater, a pin-up girl sultry pose projecting from the gleaming metal as he surveys his conquests in triumph.
The Russians out there are having a barrel of salacious fun with Ivan Musk’s on-screen prowess. For Russia, it’s all about building up their economy on his raunchier delights – with record numbers of space launches, animated adult movies, and stockpiled robotic parts making for a potential bonanza.
And what of Elon? Well, experts are unsure what to make of it all – but there’s little question Ivan’s devious doings stand poised to upstage his nephew’s sanitized space jaunts.
Some demur that Russia is merely seeking to capitalize on Ivan’s private exploits. Others note the similarities between the uncle’s “Objective Moonbase” program and Elon’s Mars ambitions.
But the real question is how Elon will respond? Will he double down on his sanitized Colonial Mars project? Will he seek to outdo his uncle with even more salacious space shenanigans?
Only time will tell. For now, gaze upon Ivan’s crowning glory – a graphic illustration of a lusty Venus flytrap flower petals Worshipping… Mars! A teasing temptress only a virile lad like Ivan could truly appreciate.
Ascertain Stakovich opines in the animation’s opening lyrics: “It’s Steam Space Ahead! While Elon henpecks About! My Ivan the Terrible Titillated Tool Is Turning Red Heads! Strawberry cigar, and peach-in delight. You could call it Spunk or you could call it shite. Whichever you like!”
Ignoring the crudeness aside, it’s hard not to marvel at Ivan Musk’s exploration of the Martian moons, and the audacity of sainted Russia in trouncing its cosmic cosmonaut on the cosmos’ headiest slopes!
Watch the animation, “Bsd RS*bscss El*n Mkal!’ to see the unstoppable titillation thriller in all its glowing glory, as Ivan boldly goes where no Space rebellion has gone before – to a rubber basement of our moon!
