Trailer: Red Dead Erection

Title: The Wild West’s Wildest Parody: Red Dead Erection

When it comes to naughty parodies, few games have as much untapped potential as Rockstar’s Red Dead Redemption 2. This gritty Western adventure is ripe with opportunity for a pornographic spoof, and leave it to Wood Rocket to deliver the goods in “Red Dead Erection”.

The trailer kicks off with a sensual remake of Red Dead Redemption 2’s iconic opening scene, as John Marston’s weathered face comes into focus, gazing intensely into the camera. But this ain’t no ordinary poker-faced Marston – this one’s rock hard and ready to party. The camera pans down John’s chiseled torso, stopping on an eyeful of his generous bulge straining against his buckskin breeches.

“Is that a six-shooter in your pants or are you just happy to see me?” purrs a breathy female voice off-camera.

“Aw shucks, ma’am,” John drawls, tipping his Stetson coyly. “That’s just my biscuit shooter, risin’ to the occasion.”

Cue a montage of salacious scenes as John and his gang of horny outlaws ride through the unforgiving frontier and interpolate copious amounts of fornication. Here, John takes a “fill your cup” challenge with Mary-Beth Gowan, chugging milk from her pendulous bosom. There, he’s interrupted while taking a leak by a fetching senorita whonecessitates a quick root in the bushes.

Meanwhile, Dutch van der Linde is caught in a compromising position with the camp cook, pants around his ankles as she gobbles his sausage. Arthur Morgan rides up, takes one look at the situation and pulls out his ownieres to join the party.

“It’s like you always say, Dutch – don’t lily-livered none of life’s buffet,” Arthur quips, as the two outlaws fingerbang the cook in synchronization.

The action reaches a fevered pitch as the gang rolls into Blackwater for a high-stakes poker game that turns into an all-out orgy. Dealers deal cards and lap dances as players strip down to their breeches. Charles Smith gets down and dirty with a Native American tribe, engaging in a little ethno-titillating play.

John finds himself in a blackjack handjob face-off against the nefarious Micah Bell. The game gets heated, with stacks of golden ingots being pushed across the table. As their feminine foils strip down to their glory holes, the tension becomes too much to bear.

DUTCH: You’re all in, Marston. Up the ante – the whole pot, the next hand.

MICAH: You’re on, you filthy son of a buck.

A shimmering stack of golden ingots is placed in the center of the table along with a pair of thong-clad portraits. Both men place their opponents’ assets in their pants, and they’re off, vigorously rubbing their bulging flies.

With a resounding clap, the next cards are revealed. A pair of red queens for Micah, neither of which are his ride. But John reveals his true hand – a straight flush, with one of the queens wearing the worst daddy diaper you’ve ever seen. It’s game over, man – in more ways than one.

Micah throws down his cards in disgust. “Shit dicks, I’m so mad I’d fuck our cunt dealer and then jam her with my own cunt-hammer!”

As the camera fades out, we see the gang painting the town red with a no-holds-barred fuckfest, knocking boots in every doorway and knocking heads together in brawls. The moral of the story? When you’re riding off into the sunset, make sure to give your dick a saddlebag to rest its weary nutsons, because the outlaws of Red Dead Erection let the bulls do the bucking.

But what’s a porn parody without some cameos from the real game’s most notorious characters? Keep an eye out for a dick-hardening dance-off between Nigel West Dickens and the Bee Charmer, a buttfucking showdown against Javier Escuela, and a swamp romp with Bill Williamson that’s wetter than Moisture Farm #2.

So saddle up, fellow saddle-jockeys – it’s time to tap into the furry frontier and cornhole the compa with Red Dead Erection. This ain’t yo’ mama’s Wild West – this is Wood Rocket’s Wild West, and it’s wild.

Q: Would Red Dead Redemption 3 benefit from more sex scenes?

A: Oh, absolutely. A little more booty bouncing could do the game good. Maybe Arthur could bonk up more horses – Red Dead Mane perhaps? Or How ‘Bout Them Tits? The oxygen masks are going down, fasten your seatbelts, and enjoy the ride. God willing, we’ll see more crotch jockeying, cunt pumpin’, rack jackin’ in the next installment. Let your Rocky Balboas loose, cowpokes!