T’was the Night Before the Wedding
It was the night before a wedding, and the bachelor-party was in full swing. The groom was a strapping young man named Rick, who was marryingAmy, the love of his life. The festivities were taking place at Rick’s childhood home, an old Victorian mansion on a secluded estate. Rick’s mother, Vivian, still lived there, but she was away on a cruise, leaving the house to the wild antics of the bridegroom’s roguish friends.
The guests included Tom, the best man, who was a notorious womanizer; Jack, the groomsman who had a secret crush on Vivian; and Mike, the hilarious prankster of the group. As the night wore on, the boys indulged in copious amounts of liquor, salacious conversation, and retro adult entertainment as they celebrated Rick’s final moments of bachelorhood.
Things took a racy turn when Tom convinced the inebriated groom to don a lavish lingerie set, complete with garter belt, silk stockings, and a frilly teddy. The sight of Rick parading around in the skimpy outfit, his Ace Ventura-esque manhood straining against the flimsy lace, sent the boys into a fit of giggles and guffaws. Jack and Mike took turns snapchatting the compromising shots and hashtagging them #bachelorblunder and #saucybridetobe.
In the spirit of tradition, Tom dragged Rick to the wooden rocking horse outside, the one Vivian had ridden as a child. He dared Rick to ride the relic while wearing his new lingerie ensemble, claiming it would bring good luck on his wedding day. Giggling like schoolchildren, the boys propped the groom atop the horse, his added “bulge” bobbing as he rocked. Rick’s eyes glazed over, and he began to hum the Wedding March, much to the amusement of his mates.
As the night reached its peak, Mike pulled out a porno VHS tape. “Let’s get this party Cruel Intentions style,” he slurred as he slipped the tape into the VCR. Blowjobs, boobies, and big dicks dominated the tales onscreen, stirring the boys to such an extent that Rick suddenly lamented his status as a one-woman man. In a risqué fit of boldness, Rick suggested they “start a party” to get their groove back. Tom, Jack, and Mike readily agreed, downing more liquor and preparing to unleash their pent-up energy.
However, as the boys undressed and prepared to engage in an orgy of bachelor party proportions, they had a *ick moment — surely, Vivian wouldn’t approve of such depravity, especially considering her miraculous ability to materialize at any gathering she disapproved of. With a shaky laundry list of excuses, the boys decided to call it quits and retreat to the guesthouse for a night of sleep.
The next morning, the crew awoke with pounding headaches and ghostly recollections of their escapades. It appeared they’d made it through the night without starting an orgy of biblical proportions. But then, a recognizable, admonishing voice piped up from the other room.
Vivian had returned early from her cruise, and she had quite the disapproving look on her face, her arms crossed over her ample bosom. “Well, well, well,” she said. “It seems the party carried on without me last night.” The boys looked to the floor in unison, and Rick emanated a nervous laugh. Vivian, her eyes narrowing, demanded an explanation for the state of the house and their wicked attire.
As the boys concocted an array of believable excuses — from Rick and Vivian doing yoga in the living room to the three groomsmen working on a top-secret spy operation — their trying testimonies only further incensed the bacchanalia-busting matriarch. Vivian demanded they march their hedonistic hides upstairs and engage in a “morning tilapia” to make it up to her.
With mere hours to go before the wedding ceremony, the bachelors and their impending bridegroom found themselves in a pickle. The only way out of this compromising situation, it seemed, was to appease the Bacchae-like Vivian and carry out her matronly decrees.
Thus, the bachelor party proceeded in the upstairs bedroom, with each blushing bridegroom-to-be taking his turns pleasuring Vivian in the boudoir. Tom, the notorious womanizer, went first, offering his best sweet-talk and sultry gazes in his attempt to seduce the salacious matron. Jack, still nursing a secret admiration for Vivian, went next, holding her as she climaxed with a lover’s breathy whisper of his name. Mike, the quipping best friend, took the final turn, jokingly suggesting they invite Amy for some bridal party fun, which Vivian swatted away with a bat of her grocery-getting heel.
As the boys emerged from the bedroom, looking dapper and well-rested, they toasted their good fortune: they’d survived the night before the wedding unscathed. But little did they know, their racy escapades had just become the abortionaird family lore, to be retold as a saucy fable whenever a new generation of partying bridesmaids and delirious groomsmen entered the pass. The legend of the winningly wild night before Rick’s wedding would forever haunt the halls of the Victorian mansion, daring other fete-hungry fools to dare deviling again…
